Yesterday was my mother’s birthday. The first birthday since she passed away last December.
I spend a lot of time blaming my mother – and parents in general for my musical interests and open minded philosophy. They each gave me a lot. But my parents divorced in a day when that was not accepted or supported. Six children and single mom. Everything was a struggle. During all of the less fortunate times she managed to plug away toward her goals with her gentle influence. We would do a lot of things other kids would not dream of and she encouraged many of them. But we never wanted to hear her say to us she was disappointed in us……. Having her disappointed was the worst punishment imaginable.
There is no way to know how she guided each of us through early years and then through puberty, early teens and inevitably into kids who knew it all. I am just now putting them together piece by piece, here and there. When my younger brother Chris got really sick I lived close and visited regularly. I was his medical power of attorney and took care of his end of life affairs. Radiation, Chemo, feeding tube, surgeries. Emergency rooms to ICU to Hospice he never lost his smile and wonder. He appreciated everything. At the end I described him as mentally, financially, physically and emotionally exhausted. It takes resources to fight back and he just did not have enough left at that time.
My mother also found out she had a number of cancers. She chose not to take the normal treatments. She chose not to have the normal tests. She chose me to help her with end of life like I did for Christopher. She did not roll over and play dead if that is what you might be thinking. She read and stayed up on current events. She exercised and researched better foods and diet. She got out and enjoyed the change of each season and the change in weather.
Pauline was more interested in making us comfortable and taking care of her extended family than she was in complaining or moping. She controlled her pain and as it got really bad she wanted to be able to have final word; to be able to think and communicate for fear she would have a stroke or complication and not be able to tell them not to resuscitate her. She feared being a vegetable more than anything. She was smart and educated and proud. That was something she did not want to endure. She did not.
When I grow up, I want to be just like her. Birthdays don’t mean much to me – ask my kids – but this one did. Happy Birthday, mom.
MidiMike 